Archive for August, 2009
Healing
August 27, 2009Before you get too excited… no, I’m not physically better.
However, I had a picture a couple of nights back… with the words from a line in that great song ‘…it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back…’ I felt it physically, that something has been really squashing me, a great weight on my shoulders. If I’m honest my back still isn’t great, but it feels, well, different.
A few months ago I decided it was time to confront an issue that had been the cause of so much heart ache and pain for me over the last few years. It’s amazing how words can crush you so much.
2003 was a tough year for me. I was really fighting M.E. but at the time it had not been diagnosed. The week before exams was, hell. And my faith really wavered after that.
That summer, I went from Scout Camp in Norfolk (where I got concussion!) straight to NSGSO in Fleetwood (where I started to find my faith again) straight back to Sherwood International Camp at Walesby where I was on Staff… I was on the Craft team, admittedly not my forte, but I did my best. I was struggling physically and my team leader – who had no problems with me at all, sent me off to rest one afternoon. Following this the overall craft team leader, my Division Commissioner and my so-called Queen’s Guide Award mentor made it quite clear that I ‘was not Queen’s Guide Award material.’ They forced my team leader to write in my Queen’s Guide Record Book that I ‘had done the minimum required all week’ hang on this is day two. Oh, and my team leader was in tears about this. Later in the week, Nottinghamshire Guide County Commissioner walked past my tent one lunch time as I was washing up. She saw that I wasn’t happy and asked what was wrong. She could see how much I was struggling physically, and emotionally from stuff that had happened in the previous May.. and also saw that I was ‘doing my best’ as I promised to do. She wound up speaking to my team leader, who adjusted her report, and then Angela, CC, countersigned it.
I don’t know if it was jealousy from these three ladies, that they, or their daughters, roughly my age, hadn’t or weren’t doing their Queen’s Guide Award? I know the wouldn’t have understood my health situation; I didn’t at the time, and still don’t at times. But my old Guiders who had brought their unit to Sherwood 2003 saw me one day and told me I looked green, I was so ill.
For the rest of the duration of my Queen’s Guide, and following, I still had those words scared on my life. I’ll be honest, I only saw my Queen’s Guide through in memory of our late CC, Angela Green.
I even went to the National Presentation in November 2007 at St James’ Palace, with Mum, still with the pain so heavy laden on me, I didn’t want to be there. Mum was so excited about the day, and yet I just didn’t want to be there… but I did it for Mum; as Dad had come with me for my Gold Duke of Edinburgh’s Award presentation.
Added to this… when I was 14 I became a Young Leader with the local Brownies. I stormed through the Young Leader Qualification and was put on the Adult Leadership Scheme, at which point the Young Leader Guider in our Division went abroad for a significant period of time. I had a letter which told me I would be hearing from my mentor. I never did. I changed sections to Guides, and continued working towards my warrant. During my gap year, I became Ranger Guider, and still was working towards the qualification. I had completed all the requirements, but it had never been completely signed off because I didn’t feel I had any support.
Whilst doing my Queen’s Guide Award, before Sherwood 2003, straight after my A/S exams I spectacularly failed, I undertook the Senior Section Camp Permit, a pre-requisit to the Exploration element of the QGA. It qualifies me to take Senior Section, i.e. my peers on camp. It’s all signed off, but I never received my certificate. Is it too late to chase this up?
Whilst at LST, I have continued my membership as a ‘district guider.’ But now I am home, with the Ranger unit folding, and my old Guiders having left… I feel like I have lost contact.
A few months back I decided it was time for me to put the past behind me and try and move on from this. But with benefit applications taking it out of me, this has taken a little longer than I’d hoped.
I have been sorting through my Guiding things… and what brought the healing, was reading through all the emails and cards I received at my local Queen’s Guide Presentation in September 2006. I had kept them and put them all in a file. I read through them all, and somehow this hurt seemed to go.
I want to be involved again locally.
I want to get my warrant finally signed off. Which will probably mean renewing my First Response training, but that’s not bad thing, surely?
I want to be involved in the centenary.
I want to go to Innovate again.
I want to receive my Senior Section Camp Permit.
I want to take part in the Midlands Narrowboat trip.
I want to get my boat license.
I want to do Guiding’s Music qualification.
I want to go on the Campfire leaders training.
I want to do NSGSO, and really be involved, rather than feeling on the peripheries of things.
I want to be a part of NSGSO at Fusion – Guiding Centenary concert.
I want to be an active In4mer. And do more In4mer training.
But most of all; I want to inspire young women to pursue their full potential.
I think my guiding bug has come back!
Maybe, just maybe, I can play a part in firing up a new Ranger unit in our Division?
But I need to remember; not to overdo it. And not to let those words get me down, ever again.
Alarms
August 26, 2009My brother and I hate our village for it’s car and burglar alarms which go off for no apparent reason. The owners never seem to realize thus, they continue for hours. Infuriating at night.
However, just now a van’s alarm was set off in the pub car park I can see from my bedroom window. Observing it, I have decided that the flashing of lights should at least be in time with the infuriating noise that accompanies the flashing of lights.
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On a slightly different note, I did not hear my alarm this morning whatsoever. Not even a tiny glimpse of it… It’s set to keep going 15 times. This meant I missed my GP appointment this morning which I really needed to go to. Was not impressed. Anyway, my GP called me later on. She is lovely like that.
I think I’m going to ask nicely for a new radio-alarm thing for my birthday. I miss the radio.
Silence
August 21, 2009I have nothing to say. I can’t fathom the energy to put my thoughts into any sort of coherence. Maybe one day I will and it’ll all come blurting out? But then again, it’s probably not that important in the scheme of things. So don’t go missing me or ‘owt.
One Theological Cellist 