Wednesday 28th April was my dissertation recital ‘Beethoven’s Faith; Discerning a Trajectory.’ I played a selection of Beethoven’s works for piano and cello.
Today I was found saying that while playing my ‘cello last night it felt like ‘the most natural thing in the world.’ When Chris Grey, one of my lecturers picked me up on this, I realised what I had just said.
My last lesson with Margaret last week, we agreed I didn’t really need to see her again, which took pressure off early this week 🙂
My rehearsals with Steve Robbings, my pianist, had been going well, although I wasn’t so happy with it all last week, but content, knowing it was the week before my recital!
On Tuesday I had a lesson with Sue at Eton, I hadn’t seen her since November. I played through my recital in order, after which Sue sat back and explained how she was trying to picture herself in the audience, not knowing who I was, and she’d never have known how ill I’ve been! She wanted to know where I was able to get all my musical energy from?! And, she was really impressed, saying it was ‘excellence!’ She did pick up on a few bits and bobs to tidy up which was helpful 🙂
It was a lovely surprise to see Matthew, Sue’s son at Eton too, he’s teaching there one day a week. He was encouraging as always and wanted to read my dissertation essay, which I sent to him. He sent me a good luck message yesterday afternoon, which was very sweet of him!
The whole of Wednesday felt surreal. I don’t think I really did the being nervous thing, because even today I don’t feel like I’ve done it, you know? It hasn’t sunk in!
Especially as when I moved back to LST my dissertation recital had a massive question mark over it! Even a month ago I doubted I’d have the stamina to survive!
Have I really just finished my dissertation? Have I done with Beethoven (for now)?!!
Es ist vollbracht!
The recital itself, went fairly well. I slipped up three times in the 40 minute recital, which isn’t too bad, especially considering they were all things I’d never done wrong before, and I didn’t let them affect the phrases too much!
I was so blessed by the amount of people who came to support me! I’d printed 60 programmes, but there were none left at the end! Phil estimated at about 80 people in the audience!
My parent’s had come down from Nottinghamshire with Victoria (bride-to-be), Mick had got the train down from Southwell! Sarah and Helen came over from Muswell Hill. Some Scouting/NSGSO friends also came which was a lovely surprise! David had come over for the day from Finchley. Simon James-Morse and Mark Jenner, who were both in my class last year, came back especially to hear me play! Mum’s friend from orchestra/quartets, Malcolm also came all the way down, too, and took the opportunity to mock me still!
Thank you to everyone who came and supported me in so many ways!
I spent some time compiling all the messages of support and encouragement I’ve received… I still haven’t finished and there’s over 5 pages!!
14 of us went out for a meal at ASK after wards, which was lovely. I was so hungry by the time we got there, as I hadn’t eaten much before my recital! But I didn’t manage to finish off my pizza, which is a first for me! I don’t understand how I got full so quickly?
I gave Helen, Sarah and David lifts back to Muswell Hill/Finchley to save them spending ages on public transport!
I got back to my room at 12.15am.
I crashed physically and emotionally. I’d felt it coming when David and I took my ‘cello, chair and music back to my room before going for the meal… my legs were burning, but I ignored it!
I was in so much pain, I could barely move. Trying to take off my shoes, whilst sat on a chair, I almost wound up on the floor. The thought of getting changed to go to bed was beyond comprehension, I just couldn’t do it. I wound up taking my trousers off, cause I was too hot, then I felt a bit naked, so put my PJ bottoms on, but hadn’t changed my top half!
I was overwhelmed with emotion, I had gone from performing to 80 people, to going out for a meal, to driving, to being so alone. I just wanted to be held. To fall asleep in someone’s arms.
My body rested for a few hours (not asleep) by which time it gathered enough energy to cry. I cried for about an hour and a half. I texted Lizzie during the crying, knowing she is sometimes awake at these early hours. She came round and sat with me till I finally drifted to sleep at 5.45ish. I didn’t get up till lunchtime. I crawled back into bed numerous times throughout the day. I missed my lectures.
I was worried as I had a rehearsal at All Souls for Prom Praise Royal Albert Hall next Saturday, between 7 and 10 this evening. I struggled getting into London, I didn’t think I’d survive the evening at all. But, once I was playing my ‘cello again, everything felt so much better! I lasted ’till 10.
Paul Hammond very kindly recorded my recital for me. I’ve just listened to it just now… it’s weird listening to myself. The microphone was quite close so it picked up a lot of surface noise and I don’t sound in tune some of the time.. I didn’t think it was that bad in real life? ack.
I’m looking forward to seeing Mr Marriott’s photographs soon 🙂
I saw David Peacock and Richard Hubbard (my examiners) at lunchtime today, they wouldn’t even give me a hint as to how I’d done!
I found Chris Grey to apologise for not getting to Arts and Worship this morning… we wound up having a conversation about ‘what next’ and performance. I think I should pursue ‘Cello related things. Scrap that. I know I should.
We talked about post-grad’s and music colleges vs. universities… he suggested I looked at Durham, Royal Holloway and King’s. The latter of these would mean I would still be around London and could thus still be near friends, play with All Souls and stuff.
Holloway want an application by May 10th to be considered for scholarship funding… they also want a CD of my playing and an essay! Ack.
But I’m still lacking the confidence in my ability, I doubt I’m good enough to do post-grad. After all, I’ll be the first person in my family to get an honors degree, I never thought I’d get to University when I was at school! So for me to be thinking about Masters’ is crazy.
I’m crying again; I am such a musician it’s untrue. It’s taken me till now to really realise this; I’ve been suppressing it all this time. When I was at school, my ‘cello was just a hobby, nothing else. I knew music college was there, but I never thought in a million years that I could go.
And yet, when I was sat in chapel last night, behind my ‘cello, in front of 80 people, I was praising God and it was the most natural feeling in the world to me.
I am so very blessed.