Posts Tagged ‘Chocolate’


Growing up

February 20, 2010

Today I went to Tesco on my own for the first time, err, possibly ever?

I felt all grown up, making decisions about what things I can buy that I’m allowed to eat. What treats that fit into that category and oooh, look, they’re on offer, too!

I will soon be the proud owner of a Tesco clubcard, which makes me feel grown-up. I’m no longer relying on Mum’s Asda discount card, or limited to going when she can go.

It’s one of the first times I’ve driven when I wanted to go out, not because I have an appointment or somewhere to go. I felt free. I like this freedom.

But, I’m also scared of the responsibilities that come with it. It’s down to me to make sure the car (my parent’s car, which I have named Hexter) has enough fuel, oil and water, and the tyres are the right pressure. And I feel so far from home.

It would have been nice to go with someone to Tesco’s today. I need to work on asking people to spend time with me, to go for coffee, to not feel excluded just because no-one has thought to ask me specifically, and not to feel so self-conscious about the whole thing.

But for now, I feel all grown up and things… so I’m going to apply for a couple of jobs and do some work on BPG… cause that’s what mature people do, they get on with the task in hand.


The most amazing feeling in the world (and other minutae from my day)

January 19, 2010

The last few days I’ve noticed that I’m waking up after about eight hours sleep and I feel alive. I feel refreshed. I feel like I have slept. It is (one of) the most amazing feeling(s) in the world! I cannot remember how many years it has been since I woke up feeling like this. It’s incredible. I’m awake, I’m alive and I feel like I can cope with anything the day throws at me. I’m struggling to comprehend it, really. It’s so fresh, so new, so nice.

Today has been a long day, in other ways, though. Some good things, some not so good. Here goes;

Despite waking early, I was in pain and thus didn’t get up till later… which made breakfast and getting out the house a bit more rushed than planned. But I did manage to cook myself Sardines for breaky, in order to save the Bacon for Dad’s breakfast (he’s off work sick at the moment), so it can’t have been all that bad!

I got to the bus stop in plenty of time and was met by four Trent Barton employees, one of whom asked me if I used Mango, I said I hadn’t done to date. He offered me a Mango card with £5 credit on it, so I couldn’t really refuse it! Essentially it’s like TFL’s Oyster card, only red and green, not blue. Oh, and you can only use it on Trent Barton busses, so that doesn’t include City Transport busses, the local trains or the Tram Network… Oh well! Another difference to London’s system, is you have to swipe it when you get on and off the bus, because we don’t have a flat rate fare, I guess… but I’m going to get so confused! Apparently it saves me 25% off single fares and caps it at a ‘Zig-Zag’ (that’s a day travel ticket) at the end of the day. Which I hope it does, as when I got off the bus this evening the screen went red and showed -40p… I know a Zig-Zag ticket comes to £4.60 or £4.70, so I shouldn’t have gone over the £5 quite yet!

I continued with my journey to Trent Bridge, where I saw the Chiropractor. He commented on how well I am looking 🙂 He found many tender spots though, which explain the nerve pain I’ve had lately… but on returning home, my back is hurting more than it was before I went. Humph.

I caught a bus into Nottingham and walked across to Victoria Center to catch the bus to the City Hospital, where, much to my surprise I bumped into Rhydian in a corridor. It was rather bizarre! I was already feeling quite tearful and low emotionally, so it didn’t actually help seeing Rhydian right at that moment. And he’d gone by the time we’d finished.
CBT was hard today, we’re trying to find tools I can work with on my return to LST. But I was feeling very spaced out and my mind was wandering even while we were talking about resting techniques such as ‘actively sitting’ which involves sitting (well, duh!) and consciously thinking about what is going on around you, how your feeling, physically, and letting other thoughts pass by, as though they were on bill-boards…
We both knew we were trying to avoid it, yet it came up, more than once and didn’t include the other times it did and I didn’t mention it.
He’s given me homework! I have to identify situations over the coming week where I’ve had negative thoughts, specifically to do with pacing; i.e. ‘I’ll be letting people down if I don’t do x, y or z’ and answers to combat these thoughts, which often are things my close friends tell me in retrospect… but I need to change the ‘rules’ in my head which I have grown up with. It’s not easy, at all.

It felt like ages, waiting at the bus stop for a Trent Barton bus. Rhydian rang me to check how I was doing, which was nice of him, but he’d gone home by now.

I was on the bus back into Nottingham when Andy, one of our neighbour’s rang me. He asked me how I was, I lied; I said I was fine, but what the heck else am I meant to say when I’m on a bus?! He’s been proof reading my BPG Romans essay for me, which is very nice of him, so we’ve arranged to go through it tomorrow afternoon.

I got into Nottingham and was craving chocolate, so treated myself to some Thornton’s dark chocolate… I’d eaten it before I thought to check it’s dairy content. Oops.

I walked through the Market Square to Nottingham Central Library, where I looked up a book I’d found on their system only yesterday morning. Unfortunately, it was checked out yesterday and isn’t due back until 8th February; the day I return to London! I spoke to the librarian in the Music Library, we found the source of the article by the author of the book, which in all honesty, I was only hoping the article would be a chapter in his book, anyway! It’s title is something along the lines of: ‘Beethoven’s symbol of the Deity in the Missa Solemnis and Ninth Symphony’… so it is very relevant to my dissertation. We’ve requested the article from the British Library. How very exciting!

I got home and was shattered! It’s been a long day, so I was a little disappointed that Dad was still in his PJ’s at 5pm, hadn’t done anything at all around the house… he’d promised to do the washing up, he hadn’t even emptied the dishwasher… the fire hadn’t been cleared or laid and the house was in darkness with no curtains closed when I got home. If that had been me, and it had been Mum or Dad returning, I’d have been in big trouble! Especially as he’s been playing cards on the computer the whole time I’ve been out! I told him such, and refused to help him, because I was feeling rotten myself… I think he felt he’d been told off! Heh… so he had a bit of a rush round doing things before Mum got home, having finished work at 6…

A few days ago, I head W3 were going on a trip to the National Gallery this week to see an exhibition called ‘The Sacred Made Real.’ I was thinking it’d be really good to go myself, as it’s so relevant to Arts and Worship. I was thinking perhaps Dave and I could go next weekend while I’m visiting London. I checked on the website, only to find the exhibition closes on 24th January. I am gutted! If only it was one week longer… or I’d known about it before?! It’s been on since October… I could have gone before Christmas!

I had a much needed nap, struggled to eat tea, and then didn’t do much this evening. I was hoping to do a small amount of Beethoven stuff, but I’m too tired. I’ve written a couple of emails, but that’s about it.

And I haven’t done any ‘cello today 😦

I’m hoping for another early-ish night and feeling well in the morning again 🙂
I’m looking forward to seeing Hannah tomorrow, she’s a friend from school and is now teaching music at the village comp, so she’s coming over after work! I haven’t seen her in over a year I don’t think; shocking!

Yay for another new day 🙂


Protected: On being an idiot.

January 10, 2010

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Protected: PTSD

January 9, 2010

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Protected: CBT Honesty

January 7, 2010

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January 2, 2010

I arrived through the tunnel on a train from Sheffield, to the sight of the magnificent peak district hills, covered in snow. My words cannot describe their beauty. I hope my photography can capture a glimpse for me to share with you.

Due to the similarity of our names, Lizzie (Jakeman), Lyn (Lizzie’s auntie) and I (also Liz), decided to play a game of Pass the Pigs using our ‘other’ names. So, Robert (which Lizzie would have been called had she been a boy!), Berlinda (Lyn’s original name) and Thomas (which I would have been called had I been a boy!) set to play. Robert has never played the game before, and despite Berlinda’s fascination for Pigs in general, hadn’t played the game for a while, so I had the task of teaching them how to play! We had much fun and joy throwing two, very small pigs! Robert’s Mummy once again said how nice it was to hear the two of us laughing together!

Lizzie opened her Christmas present from me, and gave me my Christmas present – I am now the very blessed owner of the most beautifully soft slippers in the world!

During afternoon tea, we discussed the virtues of matchmaking and arranged marriages in the era of Pride and Prejudice. We discussed the resemblance of the character of Mr Bennett to that of one person in the room! His quiet, reserved character, not often contributing to conversation, but listening and observing. Hilarious.

Lizzie and I spent a studious two hours on New Year’s Eve writing essays. I almost have an introduction that I am happy with! Before switching off for the evening, playing games and seeing in 2010 together. Harah for friends :o)

We played Mah Jong and watched the fireworks in London on the television before heading towards bedfordshire.

Friday morning, I awoke before the afternoon. Lizzie and I spent another while working hard on essays, before heading to the pub for lunch with her parents. Lizzie opted not to have a pudding, but dived into other people’s when they weren’t watching! Naughty girl.

We both spent the afternoon working hard. My aim was to hit 1000 words by the end of the day. However at about 4.30 I ‘hit the wall’ and desperately needed rest. I slept for a couple of hours, which wasn’t so restful, but at least I was stopped. I had a bath, which helped me feel better. Lizzie had also had some down time, she’d been watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which reminded me of when a certain someone read this to me when I was very ill in his room last year. We picked up work again for another couple of hours. I reached 1000 words, but I do not feel anywhere near half way through the essay! And, I didn’t feel any sense of achievement having reached the days goal 😦

I’m really not feeling well. My back and joints have gone incredibly clicky, which is painful. IBS is pretty bad too… acid reflux continually coming into my mouth and needing the bathroom a fair amount too. I think this is because over the last week or so I’ve run out of supplements, I ordered some more last weekend, so I’m hoping they’ve arrived by the time I get home.

We had tea, played more Mah Jong, during which Lizzie stole my first ever chance to go ‘Mah Jong’ and we went to bed.

Lizzie came into my room to wish me a Good Morning, and inform me that it was snowing again! She opened the curtains and I lay watching the snow; beautiful. However, it meant her parents wanted to get off sooner rather than later to drive home.

Dominic, a vile-din friend from NSGSO happened to be staying in Hathersage until Saturday morning with some friends from uni. He met me and we had tea in Calver and he drove me to Chesterfield which meant I just had one half hour train journey 🙂

Dad met me at the train station, and we picked up my new MacBookPro. Very exciting. We came home and put the cover on it and charged the battery. But I’m refusing to play with it until I’ve finished this Bible and the People of God essay discussing Sin in Deuteronomy and Romans.

So the MacBookPro is waiting for me downstairs – out of sight. The books upstairs are sat sprawled on my bed and desk willing the essay to write itself… It would be nice to be finished by tomorrow evening. We shall see?


White Christmas!

December 25, 2009

So, I feel like I ought to take back all my complaining about the lack of snow here in the Trent Valley, because here in Nottinghamshire along with a few other places in the UK, we officially had a White Christmas! Amazing.

I woke (before my alarm?!) to the lawn being completely white with snow. Driving to Southwell to go to the Minster was pretty interesting this morning, but beautiful too 🙂

I hope you have all had a blessed Christmas.

I have really felt the hand of God upon mine. It’s been lovely. None of the family arguments. Much peace, laughter and goodwill.

Despite not being able to make it to a midnight communion service last night, I really appreciated us all going to the Minster this morning. It’s ages since all four of us have been to church together. And, drinking tipple with the men of the choir before the service was fun times too! It’s the first year since I was 19 that I’ve made it to a Christmas morning service, as I was either working at the hostel, or exhausted.

My main gift from Mum and Dad was a digital radio – so I can have the radio on in my room here at home, and when I return to LST. They also bought me two chains for necklaces, so I look forward to wearing them for my dissertation recital and at other times. Oh, and a pair of nice fluffy slippers to replace my tatty old ones! I was given an unfortunate amount of Chocolate, but I have been generous and given it to the rest of my family! Bless Mum and Dad – they tried so hard to buy chocolate without milk in it!

I’m really starting to notice that my health is much more balanced of late, which I’m so grateful for. Maybe my Christmas wishes are coming to fruition after all that doubt? I’m praying that the plans of the next week don’t knock me off kilter, and, if they do, that I can hold onto the fact that I am getting better.

One step at a time.