Archive for June, 2010


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June 26, 2010

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Stepping out into the unknown

June 23, 2010

Stepping out into the unknown

Breaking free
from the bonds
that have bound me.

Bound me
to the place
which will no longer be for me.

Stepping out into the unknown

I cannot see
what is in front of me.

I have never been so sure
of the ground beneath me.

Stepping out into the unknown

I have hopes,
I have fears.

I have never been so sure
of the light which will guide me.

Stepping out into the unknown

I step in faith.
Into his hands
I give him my plans.

Stepping out into the unknown

I lay my life
in the Potter’s hands.
My life, my heart, my all.

Stepping out into the unknown

I want to be made new,
I want to live for You.

Stepping out into the unknown

Where the journey may lead me
let prayer be my guide



June 21, 2010

Last Wednesday I met Dave in London, we went to the matinee performance of the Lion King. I had been looking forward to it for ages! It might have been an error on our part, booking for the matinee, as we were surrounded by lots of school children! All in all, it was good, but going from all the reviews etc. I had expected the general acting, dancing and singing to be much tighter than it was! But the costumes and set made up for it!

After that, we decided to head over to the pub where Matt White was doing a gig that evening. We ate while waiting for the action. We were there as Matt, Simon and Ben arrived – It was ace to catch up with Ben, as I’d not seen him since he and Simon came with Vizaviz on mission to my school in 2004!

Dave took pictures during the gig, which I really enjoyed. On the way back to the station, Dave asked me if I could drive him to his Mum’s house to pick up some things for his holiday, I said we could do it then, as we’d got out the gig by 8.30pm. So we got the tube back to Northwood, and I drove him to Hillingdon and then back to his home in Finchley.

It was at this point that Dave told me some news. Initially I told him I was ‘okay,’ but my body was reacting before my mind, so I was glad it was dark and we were in the car. I drove off, desperately wanting to ask him questions. But I couldn’t bare to be that girl from that film who turns around and crys.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how I got home to LST. I called to say I was home, after a long silence Dave asked me how I was, to which I was able to reply in words that made some sense. He said he was proud of me, that I’d been able to verbalise how I’m feeling, rather than thinking he would guess.

I spent the majority of Thursday in tears, which was, well, embarrassing.

On Friday, I met a friend from All Souls Orchestra for lunch in Covent Garden which was lovely. He’s just got a new job with the BBC starting at the end of the month.

That afternoon, I got the tube to Finchley, sat in the park, and wrote a letter to Dave, which I then went to hand-deliver to his church. He was around and we hung out; everything was bizarrely normal.

I headed back in to London, meeting some LST folks at Regents Park for a picnic to celebrate Simon’s birthday. We then went to the Open Air Theater to see the Cruicible. It started pouring with rain during our picnic, so the performance started an hour late and we were all snuggling up with our cups of tea trying to keep warm! All in all, it was a fun, but late night!

On Saturday morning, I had arranged to visit Chloe in Willesden as she has a spare room going in her flat, which I was interested in. I really liked the flat, but I can’t commit to it until I have a job… so watch this space!

On Wednesday evening, I had a text from Lucy at Langham Arts Office asking if I was free this weekend to play with ASO in Goring on Thames. I was, so I drove over for the rehearsals Saturday lunchtime. We were staying with hosts, and had dinner at the church that evening with all the host families, which was lovely. Sunday morning was an Orchestral Service, with the local primary school choir. We went back to our hosts for lunch, and then at 3 O’Clock, there was a concert in the church. I had a really lovely weekend, meeting some wonderful people.

Driving home, I was exhausted! And I had promised Mum and Dad I’d go and meet them wherever they had got to with the Narrowboat. They were just north of Watford by the time I got there. So I went to meet them for dinner to wish Dad a Happy Father’s Day and Birthday! He really liked the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ mug which I had bought him; then he opened Matthew’s present, to discover he, too, had bought him the same thing! Mum said he can have one at home and one at work now!

All in all, the last few days has been a huge whirlwind…


Just Friends?

June 17, 2010

So, I started trying to write a blog about the relational dynamics of a guy-girl best friend scenario. To be honest, I’m a little stuck with what to say on here. I could be angry, but that’s not going to help anything.

Instead, I want to open the floor, I want to ask you, my wonderful readers, whether you think it is naive to try to have a best friend relationship with someone of the opposite sex? Or whether there will always be the risk of one falling for the other?

Answers on a postcard.


post exams, post wedding

June 16, 2010

Mum Dad and I set off south fairly early the morning after Victoria and Matthew’s wedding. I dropped them off at the narrowboat as they began their two week boating holiday, hoping to get somewhere near Northwood by the end of next weekend.

I drove onto LST and rested. I was so tired! I wanted to go to church that evening, but I didn’t know where, and I didn’t have much energy. I decided, last minute, to go to St Andrews, Chorleywood. The visiting preacher was Vicar of Baghdad, he was brilliant. I’m really glad I went. His sermon was on 1 Corinthians 13:13

‘There are three things that will endure – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.’

During the service, I had a vivid picture in my mind, a picture I long to sit down and sketch out myself. I’ll try and describe it though. It was of a human heart. The heart had many scars, some deep, some not so deep. But, despite the scar tissue, the wounds were not only healed, but stronger than before. Which reminded me of a friend’s comment:

‘LST is like having open heart surgery.’

On Monday, I rested some more, and later joined Lizzie J, Manon, Nicola and Shemida on a shopping trip to Watford. The girls were looking primarily for outfits for Graduation day. I already had mine, but needed something for Weddings this summer. I was successful in departing with money!!

On Tuesday I had two cello lessons! Greedy, I know, but it’s kinda the way it happened! My first lessons since my final recital which was, in my opinion, rubbish. We began to think about what next with my ‘cello, and my hopes to do the diploma, and I’m really quite excited about doing a lot of technical work. I need it, let’s be honest.

This afternoon I’m meeting Dave, and we’re off to see the Lion King, which I’m pretty darn excited about!


Victoria and Matthew’s Wedding 12th June 2010 (and preparations)

June 16, 2010

T’was the Wednesday before the Big Day as Victoria, Rachel and I commenced cake baking en mass:

Production line

Ready for the oven

All cooked (we had some disasters and tears along the way…)

All decorated, yes, all 211 of them!

The top section of the cake all finished

Last dress fitting the day before, I, chief bridesmaid was taught how to tie her in!

The Wedding Day, Saturday 12th June 2010:

The arrival of the Bride and her Daddy

Mother of the Bride and two bridesmaids patiently waiting

Some cellist they dragged off the street to play for the ceremony

The new Mr and Mrs Matthew Webster

Proud parents of the Bride

Bride and Groom with Bridesmaids

Best friends since aged 3, giggling as ever!

Will we ever grow up?!

As chief bridesmaid, I had little time to stop the whole day, despite being shattered, I had a truly fabulous day! I not only did chief bridesmaids tasks, but I looked after the Mother of the Bride, I (with the help of my Dad) organised the scene changes, and made everything happen as Victoria had hoped. I also did things the Best Man and Ushers should have been doing, as well as looking after Victoria and looking pretty myself! My feet hurt by the end of the day! Crazy, fun filled times.


Es ist vollbracht! Finals etc

June 15, 2010

Well, if it hadn’t been for the funeral, the wedding to think about, for struggling with my health, and for life generally, it wasn’t so bad! Gah, who am I kidding?!!

My preparation for the Bible and People of God: Then and Now, Biblical Sexuality exam kind of began the weekend before the exam. Don’t get me wrong, I had done a fair amount of reading for this module, but my notes weren’t tidy because I’d not made it to all my lectures, and well, I can’t cope if my notes are in order. Once I’d got that sorted, I chose my exam topic to focus on. I went for the Song of Songs and a contemporary application. By the night before, I had a solid argument, but would I remember it?!! I was stupidly anxious about the exam, but somehow found peace that morning. Scott, bless him, came up to my room to check on me and make sure I got to the exam, in a way someone else who wasn’t there might have done. I felt loved. I was able to write for the entire exam, which was amazing, because I thought I’d get physically tired, which I was, by the end, but I did the best I could! It wasn’t till I got out the exam room that I remembered some of the things I had forgotten, but I didn’t think they were so vital anyway!

It was then time for manic cello practice! I was frustrated, because had I had more ‘well’ time, I would have been able to perform better. I was very blessed to have so many people come and support me, especially those from outside LST: my parents, my God mother, Katherine and her Mum, Derek, Rodney, Daniel, Hazel, David [I hope I’ve not left anyone out?!] My Cello teacher also came, which was nice, it also turned out that she and Rodney knew each other from orchestras!! It was so nice to have so much support, but if I’m honest, I felt humiliated by the whole experience! Because I was performing about 2 or 3 weeks short of a ‘good’ performance, in my books! The Saint-Seans started well, but I slipped up in places I know I can play so much better, which was frustrating. The Kol Nidrei was alright, but I think I’ve played it better. And the Toccatta was, well, I got through it, I guess. People can tell me I did well, but I know I can do better! It was surreal to have finished all my LST exams! People went out to the Pub to celebrate, but I was just too shattered, and needed to go straight to bed. Sad times.

I took Thursday off, which was needed! Katherine and her Mummy took me out for dinner, which was lovely of them, they knew I wouldn’t have much time on the recital day to see me, and as they’d come down from Yorkshire to see me…! There was a slightly awkward moment, when Katherine asked naively why I hadn’t invited her to read my blog. I managed to answer without frightening her, and her Mum backed me up, even though she has no idea of it’s content…!

I don’t remember what happened the Friday and Saturday, other than joining in games of Frisbee to discover I can’t breathe after 5 minutes which wasn’t too fun. But the Sunday, I visited Finchley, although I kinda ran out of fuel on the way, which was interesting!!! It was funny observing one of the church wardens drift off during the sermon!! We went to the pub for lunch, played Scrabble and then Dave helped me tweak my Language and Worship Liturgy, which we finished. And, as Dave said, finishing my last piece of LST work was a bit of an anti-climax!

But, as Beethoven so aptly put it: Es ist Vollbracht! It is finished. Done. Finito.

I have finished my degree. I had been dreaming of life at LST since spring 2004. I got my place in January 2005. I embarked on this journey in October 2006. It may have taken me 4 years rather than 3 to complete, but I have finished. And, in all honesty, I don’t know how I feel about it!

On the Monday, I finally rang the LST bell for real. It’s an LST tradition to ring the bell in the library (which was a chapel when it was St John’s) to mark the end of assessments at LST.

I packed the car with as much stuff as I could take home and waited for dissertation results to come out, final recital marks were back also. I can’t complain, but to me, they don’t add up! Last year, when I was pretty darn ill, for my assessed mid-year recital for my dissertation, I got 69. This year, I KNOW I played a heck of a lot better, playing 3 times more stuff… I got 66 for the recital. It’s a good mark, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t make sense! I also know that there was more than 6 marks difference between my dissertation recital and my final recital! My Head of Department pretty much admitted that the marks would have been different had Chris Redgate still been part of LST faculty. I was also frustrated with the comments on my written submission. Again, 68 is a good mark, I’m not complaining at that in itself. But the person who marked it questioned why I hadn’t looked at Beethoven’s specifically religious works, giving examples. I had done in my research! But due to the very tight restraints of the essay, I focussed on Beethoven’s cello works, and acknowledged in both the introduction and conclusion the tremendous role the other works have in this argument. Gah. Anyway, I got 67 overall. Which is, pretty good for a dissertation, I feel.

I left LST Monday evening, drove to Cosgrove and met my parents off the narrowboat, another leg of the journey nearer to LST completed. And we all drove home from there. I was home for the week prior to Victoria’s wedding 🙂