Archive for October, 2009

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Visiting LST; day one

October 31, 2009

I am wiped-out.

I have been looking forward to visiting LST for so long. And today I; went to short chapel, met up with Lizzie J for lunch and Dave for coffee.

Yet, it’s not that simple, is it. It’s not just the plans I make. It’s what happen during and inbetween these things that I can’t control. The library caused me to have a panic attack and none of the people I could go to were around when I needed someone to calm me down. But I can’t say it wasn’t lovely to see all these people, it truly was.

I am way past overwhelmed.

I have had a wonderful day, but I just can’t cope with it.

I cried on the way back to Jon and Rachel’s.. and I so cannot face going on a weekend away with QSWP of which I know one person, who, if I am honest, isn’t someone I’d like to spend my whole weekend with… I haven’t got the strength to explain M.E. to a bunch of people I don’t know. And I know I’m not well enough to do everything and meet lots of new people.

Help!

I think I thought being at LST would solve everything, and thus I forgot to protect M.E. today… hmm

But, I hope and pray, that a weekend with Scouty people will actually do me some good, right?

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Regaining Life

October 27, 2009

Over the last month or so, despite various virus’ I really feel like I’m regaining my life. Redefining what I’m passionate about and who I am.

It’s exciting, each time I step back, I can see it.

Last night while I was lying in bed, I realised that, despite my year group from LST having moved on; I have not left. I can legitimately be there. They’re ‘ex-lst;’ I am not. I am not ready to be ‘ex-lst’ just yet.
My dissertation is exciting. I have just found the book of a guy Lizzie and I met coincidentally while buying a Blue John necklace to go with my ‘dissertation dress’ in Castleton last Christmas. He’s written a book called ‘The Harmony of Heaven’ which has an ace section on Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis – one of the key pieces I’m looking at.
I have lots to look forward to with my ‘Cello; recital, diploma, dissertation, recital, Victoria and Matthew’s wedding.
The work for Jubilate, a chance to play with and get to know Sibelius 6. The forementioned author also, coincidently does work for Jubilate and knows David Peacock very well – small world, huh?
The opportunities in guiding to share who I am with the Brownies. The chance to organise the faith tent at the Knotts Centenary camp next year. QSWP – the chance to socialise with Scouty people for the first time in years.

Yet, at the same time, I cannot discern if what I’m doing is the right thing? If I’m trying to do too much? I have all these balls, which seem more like eggs, in the air… even if I do catch them; there’s still a chance they could break in my hands.

And I can’t work out why, when all day long I have been in a lot of pain and felt so rubbish, but just tried to plod along, rather than stop and seize up… that after taking night time medication, some of which is meant to help me sleep, that it is now when I am in the least physical pain and the most wide awake. And I am the most excited about various forms of work! Why not in the daytime?

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LST is amazing

October 25, 2009

It’s this incredible community, which, despite it’s downfalls (and I’m not pretending it doesn’t have any) has made me feel SO loved this week.

Yesterday I received a parcel, which included ‘Spot the dog’ a bar of my favorite LST Bookshop Chocolate and a Birthday card from all my lovely friends in my new LST year group and others in the year below.

THANK YOU

You truly made my day!

I also think LST Bookshop chocolate is what makes my world go round (along with God, and my Cello and maybe other things!)

I have also just found my passion for LST work again this weekend… so I’m going with it… little at a time ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m visiting LST next week and I am so excited! I think it’s going to be the last visit before I’m back for good…

Thank you LST ๐Ÿ˜€

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I thought things were moving forward…

October 23, 2009

I’m trying not to panic; I’m trying to hold firm.
On to the memories, the glimpses of the well-Lizzie I saw in Lanzarote. I do exist, beneath all this.

But when I’ve had to cancel a ‘Cello lesson for the third week running, I’m not sure you’re even half way there at realizing the pain this causes.

When I returned from Lanzarote, I had ear ache, which following the flight was pretty bad. While I was in Northwood visiting LST the day after the flight, I ended up at the GP’s I used to go to. After fighting the receptionists, I was seen pretty quickly by a GP, who told me I had bilateral ear infections and she gave me anti-biotics. This was just after having lunch with the lovely Miss Jakeman. I had planned on hanging around LST all day, but wound up ringing Rachel almost in tears to ask her to pick me up. I watched Grey’s and slept on their sofa.
The next day, I got the train home. I was feeling awful, it was a horrid journey with my ‘Cello and very heavy suitcase. Mum picked me up from the station and we went home. On Friday I felt so bad I cried at Mum when she called me on her lunch break, that she came home from work early. And then got me an appointment with my home GP, who said it wasn’t a normal ear infection, but abscess’ in both ears. She changed my anti-biotics and I went home.
A week later, my ears were still waking me up in the small hours in excruciating pain, when the pain-killers had worn off. I saw Dr B again and she gave me a third lot of anti-biotics in the form of ear drops… these have certainly helped, but I get pain everynow and then in both ears.

I started to pick up a bit last week, but then had a bit of a sore throat last weekend, so took it easy, but have been down with the ‘flu this week. It transpires one of the Brownies has Swine Flu, and she was there on Monday. Joy.

So, the first week after Lanzarote, I canceled my ‘Cello lesson because I couldn’t cope with sound. The second week, Sarah canceled in caution of her catching anything prior to her ‘op. And I’ve had to cancel my lesson with Sue in York tomorrow because of the flu.

I’m getting quite concerned about my Diploma, and pre-diploma recital in November.
Although, my first rehearsal with my Pianist was promising. And we’ve booked some rehearsals in the couple of weeks before the recital in my village.

I think if I’m going to do well in my Diploma, though, I’m going to need a miracle.

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Knotts 2010

October 23, 2009

Is the Girl Guiding Nottinghamshire Centenary camp next August Bank Holiday.

I have been asked to head up the Faith Tent and find a team.

I have lots of ideas, but am also quite daunted. I don’t know Guiders in Notts who might want to be on my team. I don’t have a tent. I don’t currently feel part of the organising team… although they say I am, I’ve not heard anything as yet.

Although, I have my form to register as staff… and order form for team Hoodies and Polo shirts… question is, how big/small do the polo shirts come up? (The Sherwood 2003 M’s were HUGE) and do I go for Navy or Black. Tough call I feel.

Anyway, if you have any advice on either of the above topics (activity ideas and clothing options!) I’d appreciate hearing from you!

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Birthdays and Facebook

October 21, 2009

I’m going off Facebook…

I mean, I have a wall full of love from lots of people. A fair amount I’m in touch with regularly, but then there’s those who don’t reply to my posts asking how they are, and just post ‘happy birthday’ because Facebook reminds them… or those who, I hardly have anything to do with in real life anyway, like some LST people I’ve rarely ever spoken with.. but say happy birthday. I mean, where is the love when I need it the most? Seriously.

Haha… I just noticed one girl from NSGSO sent me two birthday messages on facebook; you’d think it’d give her a message saying she’d wished me happy birthday, or something?!

Although, Carlo’s message has just made me laugh! ‘Birthdays are natureโ€™s way of telling us to eat more cake! Enjoy your day! God Bless You!’

And Mark’s was pretty special too – instead of writing out the words for Happy Birthday, he wrote out the notes…

But nonetheless, this year’s birthday has been pretty crud. I am however very thankful for my friendship with Colette… just going to the pub for an hour or so made the whole day seem that bit better ๐Ÿ™‚

Yet, today, I feel even worse… turns out a trip to the pub on my birthday is too much.

My prayer for my 25th year on this earth, is to get better from this.

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Hope?

October 11, 2009

So, In the news, Dad told me they may have found a cause for M.E. which in turn might lead to effective treatment…
Conrad sent me this link…

Ironically, I’ve not been well enough to read it all yet…

I’m a bit mixed up about how I feel really. I don’t want to build my hopes up.. yet, it would be SO nice to feel well, truly well.