Posts Tagged ‘Jubilate’


On that job

January 21, 2010

They typing test before hand was initially unclear what they wanted me to do. They wanted me to write a letter to a visiting choir, and I was thinking, but in real life, I’d know when I was inviting them etc. in 5 mins… was, err interesting. Then they gave me a template weekly music list and wanted me to find the information from various documents, which for the purpose of the interview they’d stapled together in an illogical (to me) order, which made finding things more difficult, But I guess it’s one of those you’ll recognise which bits of info you need from which bit of paper… but in a ‘test’ situation, when the instructions are unclear, isn’t really fair. Meh.

The interview… well I think I’ll be surprised if they do offer me the job.
It felt like they were ‘entertaining’ me to some extent, as though they had made their mind up who they wanted already, which was frustrating. One of the other candidates is a Head of Music at one of the private school’s in Nottingham, and looking to take early retirement and have that job too, which I can see would make sense to them, as he’s also a Lay Clerk in the Minster Choir… (the girls choir didn’t exist when I was of the right age… thus I feel it’s discrimination!)
I saw my old boss, Andrew, the Head Verger afterwards and he asked what they asked. He thinks they asked unfair questions, and was seeing the Dean shortly afterwards and was going to say so to him!!
They dwelt on my health the majority of the interview, which was frustrating. They didn’t realise how ill I was last year, which was fun to explain to them and keep on saying but look how well I’m doing now, type thing. I think working in a familiar environment and not full time hours would be good for me and being at home would give me the opportunity to deal with the stuff that’s come up with the CBT / ME Clinic… as we’ve not got the time to deal with it before I go back to LST…
They also asked along the lines of ‘what would the Verger’s say about me?’ I was very surprised they hadn’t at least spoken with Andrew as they all know I used to work there, and it was on my application form. But Andrew said no one had spoken to him. yet when I applied to be a Verger initially, Andrew saw Penny, who was the owner of the Music Shop I was looking after when she went on a months holiday… and he asked Penny about me! Ack.
They didn’t give me the opportunity to say I can think outside the box, or that I’m creative etc… Neither did they let me expand on LST stuff and how VERY RELEVANT it is (sorry for shouting. I’m frustrated).
Paul questioned my eye for accuracy, and questioned why my spacing of paragraphs in my application weren’t uniformed, to which I said, I left a clear line when starting a new subject, like I do in an essay… (like now… this is the ‘negative’ set of paragraphs, followed by ‘positive’, followed by concluding ‘ragh’ paragraphs… entirely clear, I’m sure? :$) He responded saying, ‘good, so long as there is a reason’ I was like, did you just look at the application, not read it? I didn’t get chance to say about the National Scout Service, or my placement with All Souls and having to have everything with a ‘professional’ look to it.
I was worried when they said they hadn’t received any of my references back. So I’ve had to chase them up when I got home. Noel Tredinnick said he sent it off today, so hopefully they’ll get that tomorrow. And I haven’t heard back from Jules or David.

But on the positive side, Paul recognised that I’ve managed to do Queen’s Guide etc alongside everything else and thus showed that I am able to push through.
And Paul liked that I’m a Mac user… apparently he uses a Mac and has compatibility issues.. and would appreciate it if I could bring my MacBook in to try and sort things out occasionally, which I’m happy to try!

Essentially, they hadn’t really got any set questions prepared which isn’t fair… there wasn’t a structure to the interview, and yet Paul said towards the end they’d been quite comprehensive… erm, no you haven’t! But I couldn’t say that!
So, I’m a bit frustrated, but we shall see, I guess! I shall let you know! They said they’d let me know by tomorrow, I think.

Job rant over.

Andrew has told me I’m to come for dinner with the Vergers next week, which is nice.


I am, once again, in love with my ‘Cello.

January 17, 2010

Despite the rubbish start, the day has considerably turned around for the better, which has been nice.

I was hoping to get to church, but as you know, that didn’t happen.

Dad is ill with a cold, and thus, ‘dying’ in bed. Yet he’s able to get up and play patience on the computer when he thinks Mum won’t see him. Then when she’s around he’s back in bed. He really doesn’t seem capable of looking after himself, I do better than that!

I changed my bed.
I ordered more supplements.
I tried to teach Mum how to use my old MacBook and the internet, set her up with an email account and Skype. I wonder how much I’ll need to tell her all over again?

I’ve done lots of small amounts of Cello practice.
It was hard, initially I had to fight through barriers… my arms saying ‘enough’ at the ends of phrases, never mind pages, movements or pieces.
I’ve been working on Kol Nidrei and Toccata which Sarah and I worked on in the lesson yesterday. Dare I say it? It’s beginning to sound like I could perform them!
Mum came home from getting something for Dad from the shops while I was in the middle of practicing and said she’s not heard me play my ‘Cello with that much power in over a year.
My finger ends are silver. There are various white patches, where over the months, the hard skin has worn down. Ouch.
I love playing the ‘Cello. Being well enough to play is such a good feeling.

I have perhaps overdone it slightly.
I’m tearful tired for no apparent reason. I’m frustrated I’ve not done any Jubilate work, or Project work today. Yet, I know I’ve been productive in other ways.
My arms are burning with fatigue, and my legs appear to be joining that party.

I have done good today, I hope you agree?


One step forward

January 16, 2010

I have been fighting a bit of a cold lately, too. But, I’ve realised that I’ve only really been feeling ill with the cold, not all the ME crap that normally goes with it. Yes, I’m achey, and I have a headache, and sore throat etc… but that’s it, if you follow?

I managed to pull myself together and do some Jubilate work, which didn’t involve much brain power, but helped me feel like I’d achieved something. Which helped my general mood πŸ™‚

Recently I’ve been waking after 8 hours sleep, and I’m actually awake. I feel rested. I like.

On Friday morning, I woke up before my alarm. Nice. Which meant I was awake when I got a ‘phone call from the Administrator at Southwell Minster, who was inviting me for an interview next Thursday afternoon. Apparently I have to do a typing test prior to the interview. Interesting, especially as I’ve not used a big chunky windows based key-board for a while! I’m finding it a bit weird that I know everyone who’ll be interviewing me, and if I don’t get the job, will I take it more personally than I would with a ‘normal’ job application?

While I was writing up my Beethoven time-line I had a bit of a revelation. And I don’t think anyone, certainly scholars, have written this down. It’s to do with the timing of Beethoven writing his ‘Cello sonatas.

I’ve also been looking into the Judas Maccabaeus theme of Handel’s which Beethoven used as the theme for a set of 12 variations for ‘Cello. In Handel’s oratorio, the ‘See, the conqu’ring hero comes’ chorus comes in the middle of the third Act, as a celebration of Maccabaeus overcoming the invasion of the Promised Land. The tune is known well in the church today set to the hymn ‘thine be the glory’ or, ‘Glory to Jesus’ if you want the up-dated words! I was hoping that Beethoven might have known about this. However he died about 60 years before the hymn was written by a Swiss hymn writer and pastor. Gutted. That’s half my argument gone.

I found a book which was made reference to on Grove Music Online… the title is ‘Beethoven’s Symbol for the Deity in the Missa Solemnis and the Ninth Symphony.’ Which sounds like it’ll be pretty key to my project, but I’ve looked on Nottinghamshire Library Catalogue and they don’t appear to have it. Gutted. But they do have a book by the same author, entitled ‘Beethoven’ published ten years later, so I’m hoping it’s incorporated as an article in the book?

But, progress is being made with the project. Harah.

I’ve done a good amount of Cello practice lately, but I’m really struggling with stamina. I can’t get through a whole piece without my arms being really painful, getting tired and loosing concentration generally.

I had a Cello lesson this afternoon, we made good progress with the Toccata, which was good as I was beginning to panic I might not be able to pull it off as my final show piece of my Final Recital. It’s a REALLY hard piece, being on the LRSM list, you’d expect so, really! But, I think I can. Yay!

So, college work in preparation for my return home, to LST, seems to be going well πŸ™‚ I don’t think I’ll have completed everything before February 8th, but I would have thought I’ll only have one or two things to do completely, and editing.

I can do this.

It’s hard not to have the odd moments of utter panic, though. I mean, I’m going to have to look after myself completely, etc. And the move itself could wipe me out for I don’t know how long?

But, I am prepared. I can do this.

I received a Wedding Invitation today for a friend’s wedding from NSGSO. I’m really honoured to be invited, as I haven’t seen Nick in ages, but we are good friends. The problem is, the date. It’s the same day as a friend from primary school’s wedding. Ack. Even if I was 100% fit, trying to be in two places at once, right?

I’m currently babysitting for my neighbours over the road. As per normal, I’ve not heard a thing from Harry. He’s amazing. Stella (their Golden Labrador) is insistent on following me around the house, bless her. They cooked me dinner and left it for me to eat, which was really kind of them, so in the break of a film I was watching I went into the kitchen and Stella followed me and back into the lounge! She’s now laid in front of the lovely warm fire. Nice. I’m watching Live at the Appollo. I like comedy. Comedy makes life seem normal.



January 13, 2010

I’m quite impressed with myself.

Considering I’ve been feeling pretty crud today, I was productive. I decided to do some mind-numbingly-boring editing for Jubilate! It’s good for days like today, as it doesn’t take any brain power and yet it helps lift my mood because I’m achieving something, at least. By the end of the afternoon today I’d completed 70 of 145 songs, so getting on to half way. Harah.
I was freezing having spent all day at the computer, so I went down and played with the fire and had some tea.

I was then feeling productive still, I got my dissertation folder out, and then remembered I hadn’t done the paragraph on sin in my Faith Statement, so I went to do that, only to find the last time I’d edited it, I’d inadvertently deleted the body of the essay! I think I’d selected all the essay text to get the word count, and must have hit delete without realising it! Anyway, the beauty of Time Machine saved the day!

Then I started writing up my Beethoven time-line… events in his life, musical influences and compositions to note. I’m just over half way on that, which when I’ve finished the essay, will be included as an appendices.

Harah for progress.

We also had a realisation today that the fact I have a cold/bug thing is a good thing! Sounds a bit crazy I know, but ME causes the immune system to be on hyper alert ALL the time, thus, it never stops, thus constantly tired, ’cause body is fighting itself/nothing. The fact I have come down with a cold thus means that my immune system wasn’t on full alert when I caught these germs. Nice.

Just fed up with feeling rubbish… hey ho… one day at a time!


I expected the worst

December 21, 2009

The last 48 hours of my life have been pretty awesome.

I caught a train down to London on Saturday, to spend a long afternoon with a very good friend of mine. As the train went further south, I watched the fields being covered in a thicker blanket of snow. I didn’t see any snowmen, or evidence of sledging, though, which was odd. It was lovely to see Dave again. And to see Finchley, his Church and where he lives, so now I have images in my head so when we chat, I’ll know what he’s talking about (ish). We went to a cafe for lunch, watched an old episode of Have I Got News For You from about 8 years ago, with Boris Johnson presenting. Love it! Dave didn’t even have to pretend he liked his Christmas present, which was nice! We had a pub meal on the way back to the train which was yummy. It went really quickly though, which was upsetting.
I miss being able to just hang out.
I also don’t like not knowing when I’ll see him again.

When I got back to Nottingham, it was snowing, huge snowflakes. This made me very happy! Maybe I can do this whole Christmas thing? Mum and Dad picked me up from the station and we drove home in the snow. As we got back to Radcliffe, though, it had stopped and we’d just had a light splattering of snow. Not enough to do anything with. Humph.

I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was feeling. Yes, I was physically tired and achy and in pain, but I wasn’t in the heap I’d expected following a day trip to London. This is good.

Sunday, I’d expected to have been a complete wreck, too. Having taken a while to get to sleep.
However, I got up about 12.30, maybe a bit later, cooked myself breakfast and got on with things. Mum and Dad were out moving the narrow boat [fools] so I was home alone. I had expected to be in a heap, crying all day, but I wasn’t.

I found two albums that helped me work last year. I put them on random play today, and surprisingly, I was productive!

I completed my application for the Liturgy and Music Assistant job at Southwell Minster. I received a message from Noel Tredinnick saying he’s happy to be one of my referee’s. So now I have DP, Rev’d Dr Jules and Prof Dr Noel!

While I was doing this, it started to snow heavily again in our village. So I paused Scrabble and the job application to take some pictures. Fun times.

Mum and Dad came home and we decided we’d go to St Mary’s in the village for their Carol’s by Candlelight service. It wasn’t bad, but I find it really hard to worship when things don’t run so smoothly. The choir has improved over the years, but there’s still a bunch of old women who warble and it’s just not nice choral singing. The solos were all over the shop and it wasn’t tight. Maybe I have been spoiled with my musical upbringing? And I’m used to things running like clockwork? Despite these, and other flaws I decided not to mention, I did manage to engage with God, which was ace.

I think I’m going to print out a copy of my Statement of Faith and stick it on my wall. Because writing that, and my testimony have been two really uplifting things for me this week.

I think I’ve found that place where I can stop trying so hard with God, and just be in his presence. I am feeling very positive and excited about LST work. And returning to LST. And trying to picture how I’m going to feel at the end of my Dissertation Recital, my Final Recital, and Graduation Day… It still seems far off, but yet there’s also a possibility it’s in reach. And I’m going to be as ‘beautifully stubborn’ as I can. To do my best to finish all my coursework before February, when I hope to return to LST.

I am happy. I just don’t know how long it’ll last. And I wish I could sleep without my mind going on overdrive!

The only thing is, it’s now past 4am and I’m not asleep, I’m just beginning to get sleepy tired. But I have a GP appointment at 10am. I need to talk with her about my options for completing my degree. Scary stuff.

This week I am to send off the job application, do some research for my programme notes and also some Jubilate work. As well as see friends and do Christmas. Hmm… we shall see..!


Sometimes no matter how hard I try

November 21, 2009

… things don’t change.

Another low patch has hit which seems unfair considering how bad the last one was and I hardly seem to have had any rest-bite in between.

Just having a bath (which I had been putting off because I knew it’d kill me) left me so drained. I just sat waiting for the towels to dry me… then getting dressed was such an effort. My day didn’t really start till mid-afternoon. I didn’t began to feel a bit more human until well into the evening when I forced myself to do some work for Jubilate. It took my mind off things, which was good. I needed that.

And yet God is cool. He’s still there. I know that. Which is something that has changed πŸ™‚


The week that was…

November 8, 2009

So my week visiting LST didn’t quite go how I’d envisioned it… Here’s a kind of [unabridged] diary from my week;

Meeting Hazel was all good. She had her nephew with her, Matthew – he’s grown so much since I last saw him! Hazel is good… she’s moving to Sussex on Saturday to be nearer her man… she has just found out she has a job (always helpful) which starts on Monday!
I hung around at LST for a little while… didn’t even attempt the library. But I’m just finding it really tough… I was talking to Marriott about this earlier… Because I want to be there. I want to do things. I want to see everyone. And I can’t. I know that I know, and I know it doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s still emotionally draining.
And it’ hard work trying to find out what things have changed that I need to know about… apparently Formation has changed so that there is no longer a book review thingie… which is frustrating, in that I’d finished reading DeSales and made notes to write the essay from. Ah well. I guess I need to find out from Sonia what I need to do etc. but she’s not around this week either.
I was meant to be meeting Geoff Gale and a few others from church this evening for pub food at the Greene Man, but I’ve had to cancel that and meeting Lizzy Salway tomorrow morning in the name of pacing myself for my Cello lesson at Eton tomorrow evening.
I have been fairly productive with work for Jubilate… working at about 10-15mins per song. Could be worse!

The good news is I didn’t crash the car…
I am, however, otherwise inept.
And in need of a hug.
So when I checked my diary this morning…
I saw my Cello lesson was at 7.30 at Eton school… so having pottered around all day taking it easy etc in order to pace myself, I was going to set off from Croxley around 6.15 to allow plenty of time to get there.
At 6.10 I got a call from my Cello teacher asking where I was… my hour and a half lesson was actually due to start at 6… and I’d read the finish time in my diary…
So I jumped in the car, avoided the M25 and finally got there at about 6.50.
She was, understandably, very annoyed with me. I was annoyed with me.
We had a very intense half hour lesson.
I had to pay her for the full hour and a half, understandably, it was completely my error. Thus I lost Β£70 today.
I am so beyond annoyed with myself.
Not only have I not had a lesson with Sarah since Lanzarote, because of Ear infection-ness. And then had to cancel my lesson with Sue on 24th because of Flu..
And I cancelled stuff last night and this morning for it.
And I am so not feeling ready to do my diploma.
And I swore so much in the car today. I don’t normally do that.
And physical stress has come to play… my back is hurting like it’s not done in AGES… well, August, I think. And I’m feeling all crappy.

I thought Tuesday was bad.
I went into LST to meet Robert W about my dissertation. He asked lots of questions about how I was etc and the subject of my project didn’t even enter the room; hilarious!
I met DP after a rest, to talk about what I need to do to complete W3. Some of the modules are exactly the same. He’s going to ask Chris Grey, who’s now taking Arts and Worship to email me all his notes! Ace. Arranging is changing from having all 4 projects in the folder… to handing in your best three. So DP suggested I needen’t do Orchestral Arranging if I wasn’t up to it. Except I’m actually gutted – I’ve been looking forward to this one since first year!
Pete and I went out for coffee which was lovely to catch up πŸ™‚
I met up with Emmanuel people for food at the Greene Man… which was good… they did the whole ‘you’re looking really well,’ thing… I didn’t tell them how I was feeling, and that I had cried as I woke up from a nap right before I’d left LST to meet them… but I couldn’t cancel again after cancelling them on Monday… I got back to LST and went to Deeper… my legs were hurting so much with fatigue pain that I couldn’t stand up… so I sat down… then it was hurting SO much to sing… ye olde chest pain… which got me upset and angry with God… and I couldn’t join in the sung worship… and I was annoyed I wasn’t even feeling the words of the songs… and I started to cry… and I turned around to look for someone like Lizzie J or Helen Cr, but all I saw was a sea of faces I didn’t recognise. So I was aiming to remove myself from this situation and take myself off to the ladies in reception (nearest ones without tackling stairs) But I got half way down faculty corridor and my legs gave up… and I cried uncontrollably for a while… no idea if Robert heard me or not, but I saw his light was on, and plucked up the courage to knock on his door… and he does that thing of not turning round to see who it is straight away, so he was pretty taken-a-back when he saw me crying hysterically I think! He made me tea, offered me chocolate, tidied up his stuff and we chatted for a bit… but what’s so frustrating, is it’s nothing new.. same old… I’m frustrated, fed up with being in pain, no energy etc. He was really lovely… and I was so glad he was there, cause no one had realised in Deeper… even when Robert sent me back in to collect my bag and coat… I felt a bit of an idiot… having got to the point of Robert insisting on driving me back to Jon and Rachel’s cause I was too ill! But it was certainly the safer option – my legs were spasming a fair amount :s
It was a mixture of my trying Dan Joy’s push through philosophy. Me so desperately wanting to worship, but proving I’m not up to it… another one to tell Rhydian next time he challenges me… and testing the waters I guess… but obviously, I wasn’t up to it.

I saw Babs today, which was good. But she was really firm, and thus it hurt. Not what I needed right now. So I was a bit gutted Robert wasn’t in today to thank him for last night… and Conrad was doing study day stuff. And I rescued the car from LST!

I met Mr Gallop. He wasn’t having such a good day; not making it to lectures and the like… He told me I’ve got to come back in February and not to do anything stupid in the mean time as I’m not allowed to mess his degree up; he’s doing a good enough job of that on his own…
Then I went to meet Mr Marriott… which started off hard… cause I spoke to Dave last night, and he said that Scott had asked if Sarah could come too… Dave told Scott he’d ask me… and Dave kinda picked up on the phone I wasn’t overly comfortable with it… inviting Scott along too was a way of cutting down two appointments into one… Scott and I had hoped to go into Watford for coffee at some point this week, but failed. Then I went to find Scott and he said he wasn’t coming… so I didn’t know if it was me upsetting him not wanting Sarah to come too?
Then I’d arranged to meet Dave at 3… he didn’t show up till gone 3.30 cause the bus took longer than normal, or something? I was beginning to think he was pulling out too… I’d have been SO ANGRY with him if he had… Turns out Scott couldn’t come for other reasons…
Anyway, we went into St Paul’s with Dave’s special ‘I work for you’ passes… and up to the top of the dome, which was fun… but unfortunately the weather wasn’t so nice, so our plan of being up there for sunset didn’t go quite so well… and we got quite wet… but it was fun to go all the way to the top… my Dad’s jealous… he’s only been up to the whispering gallery or something? All the exertion made my legs quite shaky, which was fun going down!
We went to a pub which was nice… apart from the part where Dave squirted acid, from the Lime in his Lemonade, into his eye… I couldn’t help but laugh, but it must have hurt SO bad…!
Then we had the dilemma of going home… I’m SO glad Dave decided he’d come with me on the tube to Baker St. to get his bus… and then decided to stay to Finchley Road… because I had a panic attack on the tube… cause we were stood up, crushed in rush hour on both Central and Jubilee lines… I was feeling dizzy and wobbly stood near the edge of the platform at St Pauls, so removed myself to the back of the platform… I was *okay* until about St Johns Wood… by which point I realised how fast my breathing had got and I was only still standing cause there were so many people around… we got off at Finchley Road and although there was a Watford train waiting… I couldn’t get on it… or the next one, which was also a Watford train… then I started to slide down the pole I was leaning against, so Dave got me to a seat and we sat it out… for what felt like ages… Trains came and went… Then another Watford train came, which I got on, and he left… and I got myself back to LST, where I chilled out for a bit… although there weren’t many folks around… and then I drove back here to Jon and Rachel’s…
So my day was good, till it was bad… and blurred in with the rest of the weeks’ rubbishness..
I rang Mum and Dad… Mum didn’t answer her ‘phone, Dad did… I said I’m not doing great… and that I wasn’t sure if it was wise for me to attempt doing this weekends QSWP stuff… I said how the tubes are down this weekend, which is gonna make things hard… and he was doing the bravado ‘you can cope with that’ thing… I was like… seriously, I’ve been through all that myself, by the time I ring you I’ve tried to ‘push through’… grr… ‘silly man’ as Colette said when I told her. He did however say he’d get train down and meet me if I needed him to drive me home… but he wants me to try the whole Scouty / Remembrance stuff first… erm… help.
I can’t believe I’m going to be going home this low… cause I’m not confident I’ll not be any less low when I get home… meh.

I didn’t wake up till gone 12.30 or so. But it’s not as if I felt any better for it either.
FINALLY got through to Dad.. he’s getting train down tomorrow lunch time to drive me home… I feel so bad… both that he’s having to rescue me, and physically and emotionally.
I spoke to Liza, briefly, which was ace. I miss that girl so much. I’ve been watching video’s of her dissertation concert all day. So many parallels between that weekend and this; that concert was the last time I played my Cello at LST, Dad came and rescued me to have a weeks rest at home in the Spring term…
I feel like I’m just going from one place to another, crying… possibly because I am.

I managed to talk to Dad about last week… I omitted being late for cello lesson and wasting Β£70, and the panic attack on tube thing… but I did manage to tell him about Wednesday and legs giving up and ‘Uncle Robert’ ness… (followed by going the scenic way home after Watford Gap… and we went through a little place called ‘Willoughby on the wolds’ not far from home… and Dad also told me about a book he’d just bought called ‘Sir Francis Willoughby of Wollaton’ [Dad’s very into history stuff] – Wollaton having a big hall/stately home thingie… Can’t escape the Willoughby’s in this area, apparently!)
Also talked to him about my fear of learning to drive which I had before I was about 16 + 3/4 .. he never realised… I just did what he’d tell me to do; get on with it…
Yet, he is being incredibly supportive re not doing dip and LST and me being so ill… I thought he’d be mad at having to spend a day picking me up, and at me being a general failure… so something’s changing there… πŸ™‚

And Happy Birthday, Dave πŸ™‚